Friday, August 26, 2011

Partying

I just drove past a UVA frat house on my way to return library books at 6pm on a Friday evening, and the revelers were littering the lawn, boozing, mingling and throwing an inflated football while some were hanging out in an inflated kiddie pool and spraying each other with a hose. This scene didn't stir any feelings of nostalgia for my college days, nor did it make me wish to be young, free and unattached again. Quite the opposite, actually. It brought up my feelings of social dread, cringing and party phobia. I was SO relieved that I wasn't spending my evening there with them! I felt all the things I used to feel when I was that age but no more inclined to party then than I am now: What will we DO for all these hours? What if I stand around awkwardly and alone, or can't fake it and pretend I'm comfortable and having fun? I can't handle these open-ended social situations where I'm supposed to be either hot or funny and able to banter or flirt. Where can I find a conversation? Where are the grownups?! I need to find comfortable, nice people! And isn't anyone else pained by how stupid all of this looks (particularly the blowup kiddie pool bit)? Maybe people drink to overcome how appallingly uncomfortable they feel, or am I the only social weirdo? Why would I so much rather be home right now, or at a coffee shop with just one or two or three close friends when everyone else seems happy to be in this big, noisy group? Why do people spend the whole night doing this? When can I go home?!

Parties have long inspired fear and dread for me. Even now as a full-fledged adult, social engagements that involve more than a few intimate friends or acquaintances make me very nervous. I find it hard to pry myself away from my day-to-day thoughts, responsibilities and to-dos and just have a good time hanging out and making conversation. I'm especially nervous if I anticipate that it might be hard to find common ground with the crowd I'll be socializing with. I cringe at my lack of cultural currency to bandy about in witty repartee. I also get nervous about how much money will be spent having a good time, as I am a little tightwad and can't ever let loose when it comes to spending on drink and merrymaking.

Usually, things go better than I expect, and I find I am now far better equipped to be comfortable standing or sitting alone for a few minutes between one social pairing or grouping and the next, and I even seek the refuge of being alone and browsing bookshelves or sitting on a sofa by myself for a few minutes of solace--an oasis from the pitch of laughter and amusement. Sometimes I even enjoy a gathering immensely. When I am nervous in anticipation of a social event, I try to recall my most recent social experience that went well and I call on those feelings of confidence and courage to help me. I remember that it can be fun and that the uncomfortable feelings beforehand are often the worst part of it. But I'm still always relieved when it's over and I can go home. :)

(I wish I had had my camera with me when I drove past the frat party. I would've loved to post a snapshot of those silly college kids in their blowup pool.)

Partying

Partying

I just drove past a UVA frat house on my way to return library books at 6pm on a Friday evening, and the revelers were littering the lawn, boozing, mingling and throwing an inflated football while some were hanging out in an inflated kiddie pool and spraying each other with a hose. This scene didn't bring any feelings of nostalgia for my college days, nor did it make me wish to be young, free and unattached again. Quite the opposite, actually. It brought up my feelings of social dread, cringing and party phobia. I was SO relieved that I wasn't spending my evening there with them! I felt all the things I used to feel when I was that age but no more inclined to party then than I am now: What will we DO for all these hours? What if I stand around awkwardly and alone, or can't fake it and pretend I'm comfortable and having fun? I can't handle these open-ended social situations where I'm supposed to be either hot or funny and able to banter or flirt. Where can I find a conversation? Where are the grownups?! I need to find comfortable, nice people! And isn't anyone else pained by how stupid all of this looks (particularly the blowup kiddie pool bit)? Maybe people drink to overcome how appallingly uncomfortable they feel, or am I the only social weirdo? Why would I so much rather be home right now, or at a coffee shop with just one or two or three close friends when everyone else seems happy to be in this big, noisy group? Why do people spend the whole night doing this? When can I go home?!

Parties have long inspired fear and dread for me. Even now as a full-fledged adult, social engagements that involve more than a few intimate friends or acquaintances make me very nervous. I find it hard to pry myself away from my day-to-day thoughts, responsibilities and to-dos and just have a good time hanging out and making conversation. I'm especially nervous if I anticipate that it might be hard to find common ground with the crowd I'll be socializing with. I cringe at my lack of cultural currency to bandy about in witty repartee. I also get nervous about how much money will be spent having a good time, as I am a little tightwad and can't ever let loose when it comes to spending on drink and merrymaking.

Usually, things go better than I expect, and I find I am now far better equipped to be comfortable standing or sitting alone for a few minutes between one social pairing or grouping and the next, and I even seek the refuge of being alone and browsing bookshelves or sitting on a sofa by myself for a few minutes of solace--an oasis from the pitch of laughter and amusement. Sometimes I even enjoy a gathering immensely. When I am nervous in anticipation of a social event, I try to recall my most recent social experience that went well and I call on those feelings of confidence and courage to help me. I remember that it can be fun and that the uncomfortable feelings beforehand are often the worst part of it. But I'm still always relieved when it's over and I can go home. :)

(I wish I had had my camera with me when I drove past the frat party. I would've loved to post a snapshot of those silly college kids in their blowup pool.)

Friday, August 12, 2011

{Un}inspired

Today I'm feeling:
:: snide
:: churlish
:: bitter

Isn't churlish a great word? It means ungracious or ill-natured.
"How are you today?" a poor, unsuspecting soul ventures to query.
"I'm feeling rather churlish, I'm afraid," I respond and walk away,
in my imagination only. I'm rarely--no, never--churlish in public.
But I'll dare to be churlish on this here public blog today.
I'll indulge my equivalent of sour stomach acid before applying the antacid of good cheer, gratitude and getting on with my day.

If you follow any of the blogs I do, you'll appreciate my sarcastic rendering of the {brackets} that usually bookend words like {in}spired life
and the double colon :: that my truly favorite blogger {of all time} [ha!] uses to introduce things she's loving, doing, feeling--all lovely and not embittered like me. :[

I think I woke up on the wrong side of the couch this morning, checked a couple favorite blogs and the Facebook news feed and felt like all the inspired people in the world are living such inspired, homemade, productive lives, canned and preserved in rustic, beautiful Mason jars decked in burlap ribbon with little chalkboard labels. They've made their fresh salsa with their garden veggies and herbs, their homemade ice cream flavor of exotic extraction, their fresh pasta sauce from their tomato garden harvest {my tomatoes died on the vine}. They've also run several miles this morning and thrown their children a creative birthday party in the past week, with handmade favors and homemade cake from scratch, with fresh eggs collected that very morning in a rustic wire basket from their backyard chickens. They've documented and blogged about it every step of the way and posted their original recipes for all to enjoy. They've had such a way with words and photographs--painting word pictures with expert brush strokes and mingling photographs to give your heart a pang. They've also published a book with their original photography, all while raising and homeschooling their kids and knitting, sewing, throwing pottery and selling their wares on Etsy. Or being a professor. Today their DIY project is to make a raised wooden garden bed to grow their own pumpkins just in time for Halloween and Thanksgiving. They're a few weeks late on getting their pumpkins into the ground, but they'll yield a plump little harvest nonetheless.

Guess what? I feel better now! I've spewed my bitterness and am ready to move on with my ordinary day of moderate productivity and mood swings, while hoping and praying that our neighbors in Kenya and Somalia can be fed and hydrated and taste hope while we in America carry on with our {in}spired lives. (I'm merely noting the disparity here, merely wishing that those experiencing famine and refugee status could live in comfort, beauty and security with fresh food and clean drinking water. I am NOT saying that those who can create beauty should not enjoy it and share it. I just wish it could spill over to the Horn of Africa. Maybe it can! I'm just sad that some are dying while others are thriving. I want everyone to be thriving! We don't all thrive to the limitless extent that blogs and Facebook feeds portray, albeit in a skewed way, but there are enough resources in the world for everyone to have the opportunity to thrive.)

I take full responsibility for letting blogs and Facebook feeds bring me down. I don't truly resent those who are celebrating and creating beauty and goodness and accomplishing things. I just need to monitor my intake and response!