Partying

I just drove past a UVA frat house on my way to return library books at 6pm on a Friday evening, and the revelers were littering the lawn, boozing, mingling and throwing an inflated football while some were hanging out in an inflated kiddie pool and spraying each other with a hose. This scene didn't stir any feelings of nostalgia for my college days, nor did it make me wish to be young, free and unattached again. Quite the opposite, actually. It brought up my feelings of social dread, cringing and party phobia. I was SO relieved that I wasn't spending my evening there with them! I felt all the things I used to feel when I was that age but no more inclined to party then than I am now: What will we DO for all these hours? What if I stand around awkwardly and alone, or can't fake it and pretend I'm comfortable and having fun? I can't handle these open-ended social situations where I'm supposed to be either hot or funny and able to banter or flirt. Where can I find a conversation? Where are the grownups?! I need to find comfortable, nice people! And isn't anyone else pained by how stupid all of this looks (particularly the blowup kiddie pool bit)? Maybe people drink to overcome how appallingly uncomfortable they feel, or am I the only social weirdo? Why would I so much rather be home right now, or at a coffee shop with just one or two or three close friends when everyone else seems happy to be in this big, noisy group? Why do people spend the whole night doing this? When can I go home?!

Parties have long inspired fear and dread for me. Even now as a full-fledged adult, social engagements that involve more than a few intimate friends or acquaintances make me very nervous. I find it hard to pry myself away from my day-to-day thoughts, responsibilities and to-dos and just have a good time hanging out and making conversation. I'm especially nervous if I anticipate that it might be hard to find common ground with the crowd I'll be socializing with. I cringe at my lack of cultural currency to bandy about in witty repartee. I also get nervous about how much money will be spent having a good time, as I am a little tightwad and can't ever let loose when it comes to spending on drink and merrymaking.

Usually, things go better than I expect, and I find I am now far better equipped to be comfortable standing or sitting alone for a few minutes between one social pairing or grouping and the next, and I even seek the refuge of being alone and browsing bookshelves or sitting on a sofa by myself for a few minutes of solace--an oasis from the pitch of laughter and amusement. Sometimes I even enjoy a gathering immensely. When I am nervous in anticipation of a social event, I try to recall my most recent social experience that went well and I call on those feelings of confidence and courage to help me. I remember that it can be fun and that the uncomfortable feelings beforehand are often the worst part of it. But I'm still always relieved when it's over and I can go home. :)

(I wish I had had my camera with me when I drove past the frat party. I would've loved to post a snapshot of those silly college kids in their blowup pool.)

Partying

Partying

I just drove past a UVA frat house on my way to return library books at 6pm on a Friday evening, and the revelers were littering the lawn, boozing, mingling and throwing an inflated football while some were hanging out in an inflated kiddie pool and spraying each other with a hose. This scene didn't bring any feelings of nostalgia for my college days, nor did it make me wish to be young, free and unattached again. Quite the opposite, actually. It brought up my feelings of social dread, cringing and party phobia. I was SO relieved that I wasn't spending my evening there with them! I felt all the things I used to feel when I was that age but no more inclined to party then than I am now: What will we DO for all these hours? What if I stand around awkwardly and alone, or can't fake it and pretend I'm comfortable and having fun? I can't handle these open-ended social situations where I'm supposed to be either hot or funny and able to banter or flirt. Where can I find a conversation? Where are the grownups?! I need to find comfortable, nice people! And isn't anyone else pained by how stupid all of this looks (particularly the blowup kiddie pool bit)? Maybe people drink to overcome how appallingly uncomfortable they feel, or am I the only social weirdo? Why would I so much rather be home right now, or at a coffee shop with just one or two or three close friends when everyone else seems happy to be in this big, noisy group? Why do people spend the whole night doing this? When can I go home?!

Parties have long inspired fear and dread for me. Even now as a full-fledged adult, social engagements that involve more than a few intimate friends or acquaintances make me very nervous. I find it hard to pry myself away from my day-to-day thoughts, responsibilities and to-dos and just have a good time hanging out and making conversation. I'm especially nervous if I anticipate that it might be hard to find common ground with the crowd I'll be socializing with. I cringe at my lack of cultural currency to bandy about in witty repartee. I also get nervous about how much money will be spent having a good time, as I am a little tightwad and can't ever let loose when it comes to spending on drink and merrymaking.

Usually, things go better than I expect, and I find I am now far better equipped to be comfortable standing or sitting alone for a few minutes between one social pairing or grouping and the next, and I even seek the refuge of being alone and browsing bookshelves or sitting on a sofa by myself for a few minutes of solace--an oasis from the pitch of laughter and amusement. Sometimes I even enjoy a gathering immensely. When I am nervous in anticipation of a social event, I try to recall my most recent social experience that went well and I call on those feelings of confidence and courage to help me. I remember that it can be fun and that the uncomfortable feelings beforehand are often the worst part of it. But I'm still always relieved when it's over and I can go home. :)

(I wish I had had my camera with me when I drove past the frat party. I would've loved to post a snapshot of those silly college kids in their blowup pool.)

{Un}inspired

Today I'm feeling:

:: snide

:: churlish

:: bitter

Isn't churlish a great word? It means ungracious or ill-natured.

"How are you today?" a poor, unsuspecting soul ventures to query.

"I'm feeling rather churlish, I'm afraid," I respond and walk away,

in my imagination only. I'm rarely--no, never--churlish in public.

But I'll dare to be churlish on this here public blog today.

I'll indulge my equivalent of sour stomach acid before applying the antacid of good cheer, gratitude and getting on with my day.

If you follow any of the blogs I do, you'll appreciate my sarcastic rendering of the {brackets} that usually bookend words like {in}spired life

and the double colon :: that my truly favorite blogger {of all time} [ha!] uses to introduce things she's loving, doing, feeling--all lovely and not embittered like me. :[

I think I woke up on the wrong side of the couch this morning, checked a couple favorite blogs and the Facebook news feed and felt like all the inspired people in the world are living such inspired, homemade, productive lives, canned and preserved in rustic, beautiful Mason jars decked in burlap ribbon with little chalkboard labels. They've made their fresh salsa with their garden veggies and herbs, their homemade ice cream flavor of exotic extraction, their fresh pasta sauce from their tomato garden harvest {my tomatoes died on the vine}. They've also run several miles this morning and thrown their children a creative birthday party in the past week, with handmade favors and homemade cake from scratch, with fresh eggs collected that very morning in a rustic wire basket from their backyard chickens. They've documented and blogged about it every step of the way and posted their original recipes for all to enjoy. They've had such a way with words and photographs--painting word pictures with expert brush strokes and mingling photographs to give your heart a pang. They've also published a book with their original photography, all while raising and homeschooling their kids and knitting, sewing, throwing pottery and selling their wares on Etsy. Or being a professor. Today their DIY project is to make a raised wooden garden bed to grow their own pumpkins just in time for Halloween and Thanksgiving. They're a few weeks late on getting their pumpkins into the ground, but they'll yield a plump little harvest nonetheless.

Guess what? I feel better now! I've spewed my bitterness and am ready to move on with my ordinary day of moderate productivity and mood swings, while hoping and praying that our neighbors in Kenya and Somalia can be fed and hydrated and taste hope while we in America carry on with our {in}spired lives. (I'm merely noting the disparity here, merely wishing that those experiencing famine and refugee status could live in comfort, beauty and security with fresh food and clean drinking water. I am NOT saying that those who can create beauty should not enjoy it and share it. I just wish it could spill over to the Horn of Africa. Maybe it can! I'm just sad that some are dying while others are thriving. I want everyone to be thriving! We don't all thrive to the limitless extent that blogs and Facebook feeds portray, albeit in a skewed way, but there are enough resources in the world for everyone to have the opportunity to thrive.)

I take full responsibility for letting blogs and Facebook feeds bring me down. I don't truly resent those who are celebrating and creating beauty and goodness and accomplishing things. I just need to monitor my intake and response!

Summer Writing

     Today is a little practice run for the summer days with no school that are just around the corner. Three short little weeks left until Knox is home--a lot! Naturally, I'm trying to equip myself with resources and ideas for ways to help him stay occupied so we can minimize the "I'm bored, there's nothing to do, what should I do?" mantra.

    I'm going to prepare a writing caddy with paper, pens, pencils, colored pencils, pencil sharpener, card stock strips, etc. I've ordered a book called "Rip the Page: Adventures in Creative Writing" by Karen Benke. It has fun writing prompts and ideas, lists to make, snippets from poems and authors--lots of good stuff to get the creative juices flowing.

    Another book I'd like to check out is "The Write Start: A Guide to Nurturing Writing at Every Stage, from Scribbling to Forming Letters and Writing Stories." 

    When I taught sixth grade (the one year I taught), we did a lot of creative writing, and my favorite writing prompt was called spill-a-story. I collected small objects and put an assortment of them in little containers with lids. I would give a container to each student and they would spill the contents onto their desk and write a story involving the objects. The objects can be anything: a penny, a plastic trinket, a fuzzy pom-pom, dice, a playing card, a ticket stub, an action figure, a sticker, a spool, etc. I plan to make some spill-a-story containers for Knox to rev his writing engine. It's fun!

   I want to sit down and do some writing exercises with him. I'm starting today with a little poem about a lady who didn't write her thank you notes (it just so happens that I know her very well, ahem):

She swirled through the rapidly moving stream

Calling out her thank yous to the figures along the riverbank

Who never heard them above the roar of rushing waters.

She left stranded thank yous in her wake, caught in the

Eddies and currents, bobbling unreceived and unknown.

The figures and their kindnesses blurred into green and gray

As she was swept along further and further from them.

Parental Evenings

The part of parenting where you've had a long, full, busy day and you're tired and want nothing more than to stretch out on the couch in a quiet house and read or watch a show or movie but you have to move through the after-school time, homework, dinner, bath and bedtime--yeah, that's rough. You simply don't get to relax when you want to (or need to). It always has to wait until after the kids go to bed, as do the time-sensitive emails, phone calls, and any planning and preparation for the next day, the next month, the trip, the guests, the job, the what-have-you.

I don't always notice or keenly feel how much I miss having down time as soon as I've arrived home from a meeting or work. But I feel it tonight. I feel the aching delay of my own time to recoup, relax and unwind after a busy day. I must supervise bath, play a little game, brush some little teeth and tuck in a little boy and then, and only then, will I take to the couch. I can do it. Just 45 more minutes until the big exhale and the sinking of my weary body into my sofa's soft embrace. Hang tough, mamas! I'd like to pass out some endurance awards to all my mom friends, and to myself. :)

Let Us Be Dissatisfied Until ...

MLK still speaking loud and clear through the e-stream. 

I wasn't able to embed the video, but I do enjoy listening to King's speeches so I'm including the link in case you have time or inclination to listen to the King. :)

http://vimeo.com/11154217

"Let us be dissatisfied until ..."

I'm starting a list of what I will be dissatisfied with until it is transformed by Love that protects and emboldens. Human trafficking, abuse of all kinds, neglect, rape, starvation, poverty, terrorism, oppression, warfare, genocide, violence, theft and piracy, racism, assault, lack of education, unequal status. 

So thankful for the people who make these things their problem, their business. I want to see transformation in individuals, cultures, governments, nations. I want to see LOVE. I want to work and pray toward it and join others who already are.

"What is needed is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and that love without power is sentimental and anemic.

Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice.

Justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love."

~MLK

"There will be those moments when the buoyancy of hope will be transformed into the fatigue of despair. Difficult and painful as it is, we must walk on in the days ahead with an audacious faith in the future.”

~MLK

"When our days become dreary with low-hovering clouds of despair, and when our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that there is a creative force in this universe working to pull down the gigantic mountains of evil, a power that is able to make a way out of no way and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows."

~MLK

"This is our hope for the future, and with this faith we will be able to sing in some not too distant tomorrow, with a cosmic past tense, "We have overcome! (Yes) We have overcome! Deep in my heart, I did believe (Yes) we would overcome."

~MLK

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart! I have overcome the world." 

~Jesus~ John 16:33

Women's Rights

Lately I've been wanting to know that I could kick someone's ass if I needed to, particularly if someone was assaulting me or anyone near me. Images of Demi Moore's and Angelina Jolie's bad-ass movie roles come to mind. I want to know that I have the skill and power to bring an attacker to his knees. I'm 5'4" and throw like a girl, so acquiring this strength and these takedown tactics would require a tremendous amount of discipline and a lot of workouts! But oh, to know that I could wail on someone if they messed with me...

That sort of brings me to something that's been on my mind of late. Every time I hear reports of women in other countries being assaulted, raped, groped, and generally mistreated by men, I feel such incredible sadness and moral outrage. It disturbs me and sickens me to the core. Mistreatment of women is apparently outrageously commonplace in many countries. I lament and grieve that entire cultures breed men who learn this disrespect and violence and get away with it. I would really like to find some reading about how and why this happens and what can be done about it. It's not only a matter of empowering women, though that is surely part of the solution. There are centuries-old political, economic, social, cultural forces that factor into the equation. I wonder if there's any way I could be a miniscule part of bringing about much-needed change in places where women do not get through life without being assaulted, violated or raped. I would very much like to find out which organizations are working toward change in specific countries and find out if there is any way I can participate in empowering women and men to respect each other's bodies and lives. Human dignity, security, well-being, human rights--worth working and fighting for.